The
Ultimate Guide
To Fighting and Winning
By Dr. Russ Horine, President, Fight-Fast Direct, Inc.
Part 21
The
Art Of De-Escalation
Always avoid getting into a physical
altercation if it’s possible. When a confrontation does
occur, there are times when it’s actually possible to
“de-escalate” the situation with some simple techniques
(de-escalation refers to lowering the “tension”
to the point of avoiding a fight). The bad news is these
techniques are ineffective against anyone but an “Emotionally
Hijacked” individual (remember him… that’s the pissed
off guy who’s been politely asked to seek out anger
management classes).
What makes this even dicier is that
using “de-escalation” techniques on the wrong
type of adversary – i.e. a bully or predator --
may actually burn up the few precious seconds you’ve
got to act decisively.
So you
want to be careful with this. In fact I saved this
subject matter until now because I wanted to make sure
you understood first
that one of the biggest hurdles to winning a fight is
internal dialog, hesitation, and wishy-washy indecision.
The last thing you should do when facing a dangerous
opponent is to spend time pondering whether you can
“negotiate” your way out of a fight. You’ll need to
be the judge on this. Like I said, if you’re certain
that your opponent is simply some Emotionally Hijacked
individual, then by all means,
use the following de-escalation techniques.
In de-escalation
it’s important that you remain calm. Your adversary
will be yelling, cursing, possibly threatening you,
but again, if you’re certain he’s simply emotionally
hijacked because he feels he has been “wronged” by you,
then simply remain calm. Do not buy into this person’s
emotions and yell back to defend your point of view
no matter how right you may think you are.
Instead, try and
understand why this person is so upset THEN try to be
understood. You should follow these 4 steps, in this
order:
- Get
them Talking
- Keep
them Talking
- Summarize
with Feeling
- Acknowledge
and Respond
Get
them Talking
The Emotionally Hijacked individual
is irrational, so putting up a defensive argument, no
matter how logical, will only escalate the situation.
Understand that you’re dealing with a kind of person
who handles problems on an emotional
level – much like a child. Yes, they may have truly
been wronged, but instead of dealing with it rationally
like a normal adult, they will explode in an emotional
tantrum. Dealing with a child inside a full grown man’s
body can be scary – but it can be done. Here’s a procedure
to get them talking.
- First
off, a person who is talking (or yelling) is a person
who hasn’t made up their mind about hitting you yet.
This is good. They are simply venting and you should
be listening. This does not mean that you throw out
everything you’ve learned. No. You should always
look for your open targets while keeping some
distance. Do not let them get into striking distance,
but if they do, remember to go to your trusty “hands-up”
position (hands up, open, relaxed, and palms forward
– gesturing, “I don’t want any trouble”). This acts
as a early trigger, protection
from a haymaker, and has your hands in a “fight-ready”
position.
- Once
you get this person talking you must resist the temptation
to respond to things they say, even if you believe
they are absolutely wrong. Let them say what they
gotta say and remain silent, while showing that you
are listening.
- Remain
neutral, don’t agree, disagree, interrupt or argue
Keep
them Talking
You’ll want to keep them talking
– mainly because a person who stops talking (or ranting)
is most likely engaged in an internal dialogue about
attacking you. So if the talking stops, initiating more
dialogue will allow your opponent to vent, lessening
the chances you’ll be hit, and ultimately de-escalating
the situation.
There’s a number of ways to keep
them talking:
- Encourage
the other person to clarify and elaborate. This not
only keeps them talking (which keeps them from fighting),
but shows that you are listening. It may also help
your opponent clarify his own thinking. He just may
think “man…
am I being an idiot”. But then again… he may not.
- Directly
tell him to keep talking: “Tell me more about it,”
“go on,” or “really”. DO NOT challenge his thinking
at this point, (“how could you have thought that?”). This will only get him
more angry.
- Remain
non-committal, using, ‘uh-huh”, “I see”, etc.
Summarize
with Feeling
After the person “runs out of steam,”
you should rephrase, in your own words, your understanding
of what this person just told you. This is a delicate
process and so there’s some definite rules you’ll want
to stick to.
- Summarize,
but DO NOT parrot back exactly what they said – this
may just irritate them.
- Reflect
their feelings in your summary. This shows that you
understand what they said and recognize how they are
feeling emotionally. “Okay… you’re mad because I scratched your Harley… and you’re angry
because it’s your mom’s, I understand.”
- Never
say: “I know
how you feel” even if you think you do. This is
a bomb phrase, because your adversary is not interested
relating with you – he only wants to be understood.
Be sincere – or at least act
sincere.
Acknowledge
and Respond
Once you get verification (verbal
or nonverbal) that you understand their position correctly,
then you can respond with your own message.
“I really do understand that you
care a lot about your girlfriend and are protective
of her. I also understand that you are angry that I
was looking at her, but I want you to know that I wasn’t
looking to challenge you. You’re a lucky man to have
a beautiful girlfriend and I didn’t mean any disrespect.”
“I understand that
you thought I cut you off on purpose, and I would be
pissed off too if I thought someone did that to me on
purpose. But, it wasn’t on purpose; I just wasn’t paying
attention, my apologies.”
Okay… so far it
seems we’re bowing down to this jerk and doing everything
we can to look like a wimp. But remember, you are not
“submitting” to this emotionally hijacked person, you
are simply remaining calm and allowing the emotional
outburst to pass. It’s a heck of a lot better than a
fight that can wind up with someone in a hospital, jail,
or morgue.
But -- as I’ve said
-- the predator and the bully have
other motivations for confronting you than the Emotionally
Hijacked. The bully is trying to protect or establish
his “social rank” (whereas only total submission by
you will work), and the predator has something tangible
to gain by attacking you.
Think
of it like this: if you were about to be attacked
by some punk looking for “initiation rights” into a
gang – could you “de-escalate” the situation? Could
you talk him out of joining that gang? I doubt even
Montel Williams could do
that. In fact, using de-escalation techniques on this
kind of character may actually encourage
him onward as he now sees you as a weakling who
won’t fight back.
Another not-so-nice
thought: Even a flawless execution of these de-escalation
techniques on an Emotionally Hijacked person may not
work. Trust me, you just
won’t talk your way out of a physical confrontation
if he’s made up his mind to fight you. In light of this
you want to always protect yourself in the following
manner:
- Keep your distance. Even if things
turn ugly, having space between you and your adversary
at least gives you a little time to recognize that
things are turning ugly. Like the “hands-up” technique
mentioned earlier, distance is a forward trigger.
If he tries to close the distance after you establish
an appropriate boundary, then you either move in for
the attack or flee.
- Show confidence, not fear or aggression
in your voice and body language.
- You
must discern whether or not he is venting
or “building
up.” It’s easy to fall into the assumption that
“okay, he’s venting… I’ll just give him time to express
his emotions, then I’ll
continue using my de-escalation techniques.” But,
you must determine whether or not he is actually venting.
He may be trying to psych himself up enough to fight
you. This is where keeping your distance helps you.
Your adversary might be angry and yelling and walking
toward you. You maintain distance and tell him to
“stop right there… we can talk from here.” If he stops
and yells, then he is blowing off steam. However,
if he ignores your very reasonable request, then its
fight or flight.
- Always have an escape route. Do not
get yourself cornered. Remember that you are simply
trying to avoid a fight. By getting cornered you have
put yourself in a position where if the de-escalation
doesn’t work you MUST fight. Always keep the option
open, of simply running away. Sprinting is great for
your cardiovascular system – and oh… it’ll keep you
out of jail too.
So that’s it for
Part 21. We’ve covered some major ground here – especially
in the range of acting Alpha and avoiding physical combat
before it begins.
Til next time…
Dr. Russ Horine
Prez, Fight-Fast.com
“Insisting on perfect safety
is for people who don’t have the balls to live in the
real world.”
– Mary Shafer, NASA Engineer
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